Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons
are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow
up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually
all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than
50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza
ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes
are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called
"dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be
used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that
in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have
no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease,
and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive.
Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread
after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item,
leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter,
and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water.
Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating
bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as
high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in
less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly
unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless
statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics,
it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast"
campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread
to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any
primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones
around schools.


3 Responses to “BREAD IS DANGEROUS”

  1. dave zarkin

    So obviously bread is the big threat to the American family rather than gay marriages as the religous right would want us to believe.


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