Because you asked for it — an excerpt from CRUSH HOUR…the novel I co-wrote with J.R. Geisike. (Copyright 2007 by JR Geisike and Burl Barer, all rights reserved.)
Leticia “Letti” Brown, born and ill-reared in Ishtaria, Pennsylvania, entered Hollywood via the back door and claimed that entrance as her portal to genre-specific stardom. Known professionally first as Letty Tin, then later as Tara Firma, she starred in such Adult epics as “Under the Anal Moon,” “An Officer and a Genitalia,” and “Wetness for the Prosecution IV: Jury Tampering”
Despite a natural affinity for her personal proclivities, her business savvy and judge of adult market trends were initially underdeveloped. Rather than investing her flat-back wealth in proven product, she envisioned herself as an emissary of the arts in an industry known for schlock.
$75,000 of her own money went into “Passion of the Crotch” — a period piece porn flick in which she distastefully inserted various iconic objects into her reproductive canal. She spent another $3,000 learning conversational Aramaic for added realism. Her dialog – consisting primarily of “O God,” “Yes,” and “Oooooo” required subtitles which, due to their placement, obscured any potentially stimulating visual details.
Her more pedestrian videos were walk away hits, and Tara appeared on mainstream media defending her Adult XXX career. “Wherever there’s magic and make-believe and an audience – there’s show business – Angelina Joli, Donald Duck, Harry Reams, Bette Davis, — they are all show business. You may not like them all, “ she told Larry King, “but why should you? There is something for everybody under the tent of entertainment, and preferring `Orgasm at the Opera’ to “Phantom’ doesn’t make you less a person, or your price of admission less bankable.”
The financial disaster of “Passion of the Crotch” couldn’t keep her down. “I learned my lesson,” she told her live in lover, Mistress Distress, dominatrix and fetish model. “No more subtitles, no further iconoclastic use of icons – this time I going to treat the adult audience to real show biz.”
Distress’ real name was Doris. She billed herself as the “Word’s Nicest Dominatrix,” greeted clients with flowers, candy, a happy smile, a warm embrace, non-stop compliments, and then whipped them while asking “it doesn’t hurt, does it honey?” Her repeat business was non-existent, but her up-beat attitude provided Tara much needed positive emotional support.
Tara invested tremendous effort and substantial monies finding the perfect vehicle for her most daring, yet commercial venture. First she considered adapting Uncle Tom’s Cabin into an interracial sex romp, Topsy-Turvey.
Deeming the title and source material too obscure, but wanting to keep the black on white sex action, she attempted several abandoned drafts of a musical porn spectacular, Seven Bitches for Seven Bros. before toying with directing, but not appearing in, a gay western operetta, OklaHomo. She was halfway through composing lyrics for “Poor Jud is Well Hung in the Smoke House” when, in a moment of blinding inspiration, she transferred all her energies into a gender bending bi-sexual adaptation Mary Orr’s play The Wisdom of Eve.
“All About Irv will have something for every adult taste,” touted Tara to her films’ distributor, “even action and adventure. Hell, it will even have bloodhounds snapping at my rear end!” She then showed the rear end to which she referred.
Indeed, “All About Irv” was both a critical and financial success. With directing credits attributed to L. Brown, Tara Firma starred as aging veteran porn queen Margie Cummings, and newcomer Jade Opal (birth name Howard Le Fowle) portrayed up and coming trans gendered opportunistic ingénue, Irv Harrington. Known world-wide as the film that knocked Hollywood on its ass, All About Irv was the highest grossing adult film in history, and made Tara Firma incredibly wealthy. Showered with gold, anointed with praise, Tara never forgot her roots nor did she forsake her inner core of spiritual gratitude.
Tara received the coveted Stiffee for best oral performance by a genetic female, plus the “Joanna Storm Lifetime Achievement Award” from the Academy of Adult Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. It was only a matter of time, she believed, before her knee imprints would join those of Vanessa Del Rio on the Adult Walk of Fame.