Being an author reminds me of sex.  You know: the frequency of rejection, the many months (or years) between releases, and when its over, you wonder if anyone will ever ask you to do it again.
I haven’t had a book published in English since 2004. My Japanese STEALTH came out last October.  Things have been too quiet.  I submitted a few true crime proposals, but they shared a common flaw: the people were murdered PRIOR to 2001.

I receive emails such as:
"Dear Burl — this is one hell of a story. Too bad these folks weren’t murdered more recently."
The family of executed felon Sean Sellers — put to death by the country that, in defiance of 1993 International Law, specifically reserved the right to execute children (USA) — contacted me recently. They offered me unprecedented cooperation in telling the entire inside story of a crime and trial that was the center of a world-wide controversy. Desmond Tutu, Bianca Jagger, and Amnesty International were all players in this high-profile drama.

SORRY. This story, despite its historic significance and incredible dramatic appeal, IS TOO OLD.
"No one cares about murders that took place more than five years ago."

This explains the complete lack of interest in the case of Lizzie Borden, that of Jack the Ripper, or that old chestnut, the Boston Strangler.

MORE SEX ADVICE:  Our dear friend "dogsdontpurr," famed for making art with her well-formed mammary glands (i assume they are well formed, but i have not actually seen them "in the flesh," and the only photo I’ve seen of them was taken prior to 2001 so that doesn’t count) was drop-jawed with incredulity at my admonition to remove the broken beer bottles from her bed prior to coitivity.  Ok, I acknowledge that some people derive pleasure from mating atop broken beer bottles, Jones Soda bottles, etc.  I suggest then a compromise — use broken bottles of Absorbine Jr. and Witch Hazel.
Boris Karloff explains science to his
J_carrol_naish hunchback
cellmate. Written on the wall in chalk is the formula:
H2O=H2O. Trust me. I saw this with my own eyes.  I have H2O/H2O vision.

6 Responses to “SEX DEATH AND H2O”

  1. Mike Barer

    Three bombshell movie actresses met untimely deaths in the 60s. Marilyn Monroe, Jane Mansfield and Sharon Tate. That is one helluva coincidence.

  2. Alan

    I can say… without a doubt.. that those breasts of DogsDontPurr are 100% real! And are the best that I have cum across in all of the 47 that I have been introduced to…..

  3. Burl Barer

    Alan: I don’t recall ever being formally introduced to breasts, not even at a coming out party. I have, however, informally encountered them at “come as you are” events, bumped into them in crowded hallways, under the dashboards of cars, and as for the unequal number that may throw some people off (47), I do seem to recall a woman who had a third breast placed in the center of her back to make her more fun to dance with….


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