Electric Menorahs, Jews Playing Golf, and Jackie Mason

Electric_menorahIs there anything more absurd than an electric menorah?

Well, yes, many things.  Here is one: The Golf Bag Menorah.

The menorah looks like a golf bag! It has golf clubs sticking out of it, and a golf ball next to it.  "This is what the Lord did for me when he brought me out to the Country Club?"
I don't think so.  I remember visiting my Uncle Sid in Seattle years ago, and he bought a new house across the street from a fancy-shmancy golf course.
"Gee, Uncle Sid," I said, "do you play golf right across the street?"
"No," he said. "They don't allow Jews."
Of course, they prompted me to meditate on what manner of mischief Jews would instigate at a golf course. Unlike Christians, we don't have faith healers, so we're not going to close up the holes.  Then I figured it out. It's the Exodus! After forty years in the desert, Jews have an unfair advantage in a sand trap. (rim shot)

Wherever you go in the world, Jews are a minority. even In Israel.  In the Holy Land, non-Jews are imported by the thousands. After all, how can you be distinct if you are the majority? You can't be the salt of the earth if the entire earth is a salt-lick.
The only two places where Jews are the majority are the Jewish Home for the Aged, and any Chinese restaurant.

Jews actually comprise about 1/4 of 1% of the world's population.  That's tiny. Itty-bitty. REAL SMALL. Look:

  1. Christianity: 2.1 billion
  2. Islam: 1.5 billion
  3. Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist: 1.1 billion
  4. Hinduism: 900 million
  5. Chinese traditional religion: 394 million
  6. Buddhism: 376 million
  7. primal-indigenous: 300 million
  8. African Traditional & Diasporic: 100 million
  9. Sikhism: 23 million
  10. Juche: 19 million
  11. Spiritism: 15 million
  12. Judaism: 14 million
  13. Baha'i: 7 million

Judaism has 0% growth. This means a guaranteed end to Antisemitism. It also means that eventually there will be no one left  who understands Jackie Mason.

Did I tell you that my ex-girlfriend, Judi Faye, used to be Jackie Mason's girlfriend? Well, she was.  Why are they not still together? Don't ask me. I don't pry. It's not my business. Who am I to question?  But, you know…it occurs to me, maybe he knew then what I know now? 
Maybe they broke up when found out she owned an electric menorah.

7 Responses to “Electric Menorahs, Jews Playing Golf, and Jackie Mason”

  1. Mike Barer

    Of that paltry total, maybe one per cent are observant. Even more amazing is that what’s left is split between Conservative, Orthodox and Reform Jews, as well as Ashkenazic and Sephardic Jews.
    I think though that the entertainment, Arts and literary world has a disportionate number of Jews.

  2. Burl Barer

    folks tend to follow in the footsteps of their parents, career wise. Entertainment was one of the few paths open to Jews in America at the time of the major immigration — that and scrap dealing. If the time periods had been reversed, you would have seen Jewish cops and Irish scrap dealers.

  3. Howard Lapidesb

    Am I the only person not named Barer who thought this was funny??
    Happy Chanukah to all and to all a good night

  4. Mike Barer

    I think Jewish persecution has had a reverse effect and brought us closer together.  That is why Judaism has percevered all these years.


Leave a Reply

  • (will not be published)

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>