This holiday season, I chanted the traditional Hebrew prayer for the lighting of the Hanukah candles as I screwed in the bulbs on the ELECTRIC MENORAH!!!  What Jew invented this absurd device?
Yes, you screw in each bulb as the nights go on — no messy wax…but what do you do on Friday night if you are orthodox? You cant turn the damn thing on!!
Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, who commanded us to screw in the bulbs of Hanukah!
Somehow, it just doesn’t seem the same.
There is more than one Electric Menorah available — I kid you not. There are a plethora of plastic menorahs available online so you too can enjoy the holiday tradition of SCREWING IN LIGHT BULBS as you pray. This is like having a catalytic converter for your Amish Station Wagon.
While not as clever as inserting bacon fat in your matzoh balls to give them that extra flavor, electric menorahs bring a 21st Century absurdity to a Jewish holiday that has been of great significance ever since the 20th Century.  Yes, it was always a minor holiday, but as it celebrates freedom of religion and the outpouring of light, and happens to occur near Christmas, it gives Jewish families something to celebrate during "the season" — thank God Purim didn’t arrive in December. Imagine the fun anti-Semites would have with Jews celebrating beheadings as party entertainment during a time of Holiday parties! Okay,that isn’t the essence of the story, but it is how it ends.  Passover has its own problems — my Nana hired a neighbor gentile girl to help in the kitchen one year. When the girl found out it was Passover, she dropped to her knees and begged my Nana not to kill her! She "knew" Jews needed the blood of a virgin to make Matzoh, and she now figured that maybe she should have let that Italian boy have his way with her at Homecoming after all!
Nana sent her home — the girl forever grateful that the Jews spared her life that Passover. Hell, we didn’t need the blood of a Shiksa to make our Matzoh — we just needed bacon fat for the Matzon balls!
Of course, as a Baha’i, I have no Baha’i holidays to celebrate in December. God apparently figured the calender was already clogged this time of year, so the big Baha’i festival is in April. We do have a gift giving holiday at the end of February — so if you missed giving me a wonderful gift this Xmas/Hanukah, you can still impress me at the end of February with your generosity.
And no, I won’t be using an Electric Menorah.

7 Responses to “ELECTRIC MENORAH”

  1. dave zarkin

    Thanks for submitting “Last Year at Marienbad” analysis on my blog http://www.cheezymovies.blogspot.com Right! Very much like the “Truman Show” halographicness and maybe they’ll do a remake with Jim Carey. I am a huge fan of foreign movies having watched last night “Carry on Matron” where two obvious gay guys are trying to seduce a zaphtic head nurse. Not halographic. Not even a pretty site from the Rank Organization and what ever happened to the guy who bangs the gong. Happy New Year.

  2. Burl Barer

    The man who banged the gong for the Rank Organization was the grandfather of the lead singer/songwriter of the UK music group, The MONO TONES. The entire family was in show biz of some sort — mostly thespians or buff body builders who banged gongs.

  3. dave zarkin

    It’s difficult to ascertain why “Murder in Spokane” by Mark Fuhrman was written other than some publisher thought another sensational homicide book about prostitute murders would sell. I was drawn to the title because I was born and raised in Spokane and thought that I might learn something about current events there other than the homophobic closet case mayor who was recalled. Not a very interesting read and I skipped to the last chapter. Interestingly, Fuhrman, who investigated the OJ murders, co-hosted a talk show on KXLY-AM with Mike Fitzsimmons, which was a hot top 40 station when I last lived in Spokane. Also Fuhrman lives in ground zero for crazies Sandpoint, ID. Apparently, East Sprague Ave. in Spokane is the spot for desperate living in Eastern Washington, in case anyone is interested in moving there and becoming a drug lord or hooker.

  4. Burl Barer

    My book BODY COUNT is about the same Spokane case, and Fuhrman’s book is horribly inaccurate, filled with absurd errors, and was written originally as an attack on the Homicide Task Force for not solving the case. Just prior to publication, the case was solved and he came crying to them asking for their cooperation. They told him to go to hell. Then I showed up and then were already burned by him. This made my life very difficult at first, but they warmed to me and helped me as much as they could/felt like. Read my book and see the difference in how the case and the victims are treated.’

  5. dave zarkin

    One sunny day when I am too bubbly I will read your book on grizzly Spokane murders. Until then, I will console myself with new NBC series, The Book of Daniel, which the Little Rock Ark., NBC affiliate has banned from its airways. So it must be good, don’t you know. Looking forward to going totally Hollywood next month as we descend into LaLa Land ala Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate. (In my case, its definitely post-graduate).


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