Jewish Humor

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? "Honey, I’m home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London – there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You’ll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That’s what puzzles me!"

* Doctor says to a man, "You’re pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don’t answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You’ve been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let’s get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When’s payday?" The bum said, "I don’t know! You’re the one that’s working!"

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

4 Responses to “Jewish Humor”

  1. Danny Barer

    I think a lot of these were in the Henny Youngman book my parents kept around their house. No wonder I grew up with a taste for borscht.

    Reply
  2. girl_sedated

    you left out my favorite one!
    What do Jews do on Christmas? Dance around the cash register singing “oh what a friend we have in Jesus” 😉 Love you Papa!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

  • (will not be published)

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>