Orbitz, Travelzoo, and Expedia thankfully omit Skull Island from their Vacation Getaway specials. Not that I don’t enjoy encountering indiginous cultures, unique local customs, and exotic life forms, but Skull Island has some severe pest problems. I know this because I saw the recent remake of KING KONG and believe you me, Skull Island makes the old KTEL RADIO black widow spider infested transmitter building look like Club Med. You would think the situation would have improved since 1933 when they shot the original feature on this remote island, shrouded in fog, and crawling with prehistoric life forms and one really big gorilla. Nope. Today, the place is even worse!
INSECTS the size of Volkswagens! YUK. BATS the size of …well…GIANT BATS! Back in 1933 the local natives had colorful rituals where they danced around in furry ape costumes before sacrificing some shiksa, but the pest problem has become so bad that no one is dancing, leaping, celebrating, or even bothering to make spears. Nope — the natives all have really bad hair, hide in caves, and roll their eyes back in their heads as if auditioning for A ZOMBIE WALKS AMONG US.
Back in the old days, there was a GIANT DOOR with a GIANT DEAD BOLT between the coastal village and the nasty life forms on Skull Island. Forget the GIANT DOOR. Forget the GIANT DEADBOLT. Forget the iconic image of KONG breaking open the GIANT DOOR! Nope — the pissed off ape just kicks in the wall and beats up the movie crew. Where are the hundreds of natives eager to defend thier homes? NOWHERE! Well, they are all in their caves rolling their eyes and trying to figure out what the hell to do with their hair. When I saw the slimy, bad hair day, semi-whispering natives with inexplicable mucous and really severe vision problems, I yelled out "YOU ARE IN THE WRONG MOVIE" They paid no attention, of course, as they were busy doing NOTHING. These are the same bold and daring tribal people who built the giant wall? The same clever natives who bravely battled KONG in days of yore? Hell no! These were lazy-ass drugged out nose-boned losers who were a discredit to their ancestors. Well, as you can tell, I prefered the OLD WALL and the OLD NATIVES. The new KONG is great — as in great big and well made. And it isnt Rick Baker in an ape suit either. Peter Jackson decided to make a few "improvements" on the old version — such as adding MORE CRITTERS. MORE DINOSAURS…except no teradactyle!! He replaced that thing with a bunch of BATS. Oh, the snake? Forget the snake. No snake. GIANT SPIDERS? YES! GIANT INSECTS? YES. MORE THAN TWO GILLA MONSTERS, MORE THAN ONE T-REX, a herd of fat brontesaurus…BIPLANES? Yes, and I must admit the film making in the climax is fantastic. Except this stupid-ass descendant of the natives was sitting in the same row of the theater as I, and he got up SEVEN TIMES during the film to stick his ass in my face. On the seventh afront, I lost it. Yes, I lost it. I slammed my foot against the seat in front of me,m blocking his ability to walk in front of me again (the other end of the aisle was open, and he could have gone that way instead) and yelled "SIT THE F**K DOWN AND SHUT THE F**K UP!"
Ok, i’m not polite when some drunk interfers with my movie going pleasure. He went nuts and called me a "rude motherfucker" — which I am. I said "tell it to your therapist!"
My date was dumbstruck, bug eyed and silent. The movie ended and she was afraid that the drunk was waiting outside to beat me up or kill me. So what? If i am a murder victim, I automatically get a free pass to paradise….and he gets to be someone’s bitch behind bars the rest of his life. I’ll relax in the next world with my dear departed Papa, sipping the equivelent of Black Cherry Soda, and watch Earth on God’s big screen TV. I’ll tune in every night to happily watch my murderer beg for mercy from his King Kong sized cell mate who, showing no mercy whatsoever, bangs him repeatedly in the poop chute.
How’s that for a spiritual outlook?
Best line in the film: "I’m a movie producer. You can trust me!"