My friend Linda should stay home — her nightlife adventures are turning ugly. First, she went to a country western bar where some guy who should have been searching for Curley’s Gold asked her if she were a transvestite. She’s not. Then he asked her if she were a hooker. She’s not. Apparently, those were the two items on his agenda, and she didn’t meet the requirements. Then, Saturday night, her daughter and she went to hear some live band and shake a tail feather. Sadly, while Linda was rocking (or line dancing, I didn’t ask), she was leaped upon by an aggressive woman of same-sex proclivities who, when politely rebuffed, became insulted and enraged. Linda had to lock herself in the car while her daughter rumbled with the fisticuffian hottie in the parking lot. While Linda cowered under the tilt steering wheel, her daughter and the Lezbionic Woman circled each other snapping their fingers and leaping about like an off Broadway production of West Side Story. Some people lead exciting lives.

I’ve done my best to bring high quality interaction to Linda’s life by re-writing her Yahoo Personals profile. She wasn’t getting the type of response she deserved, being as she is attractive, intelligent, witty, and can carry a cord of wood, drive a pickup, and probably has a bowling average of 259. So i wrote a new headline: ORAL STIMULATION ASSURED.  This referred to her conversational skills, of course. And as she was tired of men talking about their cars, I put in a line about putting an E on the end of CAR….and you know what, yes, more men than ever are telling her about their Broncos, Jaguars, Beemers, etc. I consoled her by telling her that her new profile is a also an intelligence test — if men talk about their car, they fail.

So, just so you know — if you meet a good looking, intelligent,  personable, high scoring bowler with a quick wit and a pickup truck, she is NOT a transvestite line dancing hooker, OK?  Besides, she has daughters who will beat the tar out of you in a heartbeat.


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