I signed up for Yahoo Personals, figuring its a good way to meet emotionally disturbed individuals who have no more real life than I do. Yahoo keeps sending me “YOUR LATEST MATCHES!” Will someone please explain why all these women enjoy long walks on the beach? When? Midnight? In the middle of the day when there are 8,000 dogs and teens on roller blades? And why is it a long walk? Where the hell are they going? Can’t they take a cab? I don’t want a long walk on the beach. Not only do i get sand in my shoes, but trudging through sand makes any destination seem twice as far and three times as inconvenient. These same woman want to curl up by a roaring fire. Fine — move to Malibu in August. Plus they all have friends of dubious veracity. “My friends tell me I’m cute.” No they don’t. Real friends don’t say that, they say “Hey, lose twenty pounds, shave your back, brush your teeth, get sensible shoes, or invest in a designer blindfolds. I have met some really cool people on Yahoo Personals — they are cool because they respond to my messages, when most people not only observe strict silence, but remove their profile from the site entirely. A very nice lady told me that she was a life coach. She has nice eyes. Does that make her a coach potato? There is also a problem with names — everyone has the same name. There are five thousand Susans on Yahoo Personals, and that’s just in the Santa Monica/Venice area. Life is difficult enough without remembering which person is Myra, Marsha, Mishna, or Mushka. Yahoo also needs to refine their match criteria. First of all, someone whose hobby is fascism is not going to ring my bell, nor is someone who thinks the minimum wage should be $2.50 an hour, and regards the Bill of Rights is “quaint but archaic.” amd bemoans the International Zionist Banking Media Conspiracy. Thankfully, I beat the odds on Yahoo Personals. Ive met three Susans,but I can keep them straight in my mind as one is British, another has red hair and is a writer who knows my nephew, and the third is the fun loving lady who often makes commentary here on this site. I still get confused between Marsha and Marushka, but there is only one Noba, one Rama, and one winner of Best Profile by a Woman who puts on lipstick to answer the telephone.” The woman who described herself as buxom and Rubinesque never respnded after I asked her to describe the difference between her ass and a Greyhound Bus, aside from the license tabs. OK, i’m no bargain either — I am ready to be carbon dated, and there are times when my visible means of support rank up there with Popo the Puppet’s. Now, if you will excuse me, I must go for a long walk through a raging fire on the beach.

12 Responses to “ON THE BEACH”

  1. Myra

    I supposed I should be flattered at being mentioned on someone’s blog (at long last), but to mix me up with a Marushka or a Mishna??? And from someone whose name is basically synonymous with a wart on a redwood tree – sheesh.
    And I suspect that of all these thousands of women you can’t tell apart on Yahoo, I’m probably the only one who WENT OUT AND BOUGHT YOUR BLOODY BOOK. AND READ IT.
    Also, I suspect that your “Susan” whom you claim posts here and may know your nephew is also me, as I post here, and I do think I know Lee – from either PAGE or The Wicked Scherzo. But have you made inquiry of him as I ever so nicely asked you? No.
    Oh wait – there really is a Susan (Suzi). Hi Suzi! BTW, I agree with Anea about the nekkid pictures. I’m keeping the ones you sent me for blackmail purposes. Assuming you’re ever worth blackmailing, of course.
    Well, I will say that you don’t look too bad for an alter cocker. Oh, and for the record, I have never described myself as “Rubinesque,” mostly because that’s not the way it’s spelled (try “Rubenesque” next time).
    Oh, and you abandoned me in the middle of an IM last night. And don’t tell me that was so long ago you don’t remember – I’ve seen “Casablanca” too many times.

  2. Anea

    LOL :)That is what you get from personal ads Papa! 🙂 I have done all my courtships via coffe shops (which might indicate why everyone I have dated has been twitchy and nervous… 🙂

  3. Mike Barer

    That is so funny. you need to find a way to contact Jennifer Aniston now that your in the hood. Well, if you shoot big you’ll get bigger fish.

  4. Burl Barer

    Myra — Very Funny. No one said you were Rubinesque or Rubenesque — one means “Having an attitude indiiitive of Pee Wee Herman,” or “likely to be arrested in an adult movie theater.” The other means, “filled with sourkraut and covered with cheese” Im not sure which is which.

  5. Myra

    Burl – thank you for defining the variant spellings of Rubenesque for me!
    Anyway, I’ve never described myself that way. When pressed, I usually go with, “I’m shaped like a beachball with stumpy legs,” or the more simple, but less elegant, “I’m fat. Deal with it.”

  6. Burl Barer

    Myra — no one ever said that you said you were Pee Wee Herman, or Rubenesque, or filled with sourkraut and covered with cheese. The woman who described herself thus, never responded to my email. Can’t imagine why!!
    I think i will collect all my rejection messages and have them published. There are so many of them now, it might take several sequels.

  7. Susan Balcuns

    OHHHHHHHHHHH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Burl, you did it again!!!!!! Now you have 219 women mad at you instead of 186!!! What are we going to do with you??? You have such a charming, romantic way of describing a woman’s body that we all just ACHE to read your Blog…Hi, Myra! Let me know when you want to blackmail Burl and I’ll help with the details! HA!!!! You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Let’s hear it for the PERSONALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Now Burl, you just sit back, wait for the fun to begin and………..

  8. Myra

    Hey Suzi!
    In the long run, I’m just happy he didn’t misspell my name, ya know what I mean?
    As for the blackmail – we have to watch his bank accounts. There’s no point to it if there’s no cash on hand.
    Do you need a set of nekkid pictures?

  9. Susan Balcuns

    Hey Myra!!
    I’m glad you got back to me….I don’t know about this man….Weird, huh!!
    His bank accounts????????? Wellllllll…..You’re right, no money, no blackmail, I guess!
    Are we at check-mate here?? We have to do something to teach this man a lesson, I mean, after all, he can’t keep up this Macho facade much longer!!
    Nekkid pictures? Yeah! I could use a few, I guess…They would come in handy for future use or for a dart game.
    Thanks for getting back to me! Hope to hear from you soon!
    Susan AKA Suzi HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I LOVE this!!!!!!

  10. Burl Barer

    Bank account? You have me confused with my cousin Steve . He made a fortune in red and yellow brass. In fact, everyone says, “That boy has a lot of brass!” I aint got no brass. No 76 trombones. Just enough hot air for a woodwind section.
    Now to verify your subscription to this blog, please enter your credit card number, pin, security code, mother’s maiden name, and the Capitol of Equador.

  11. Myra

    Is he weird? Maybe he is, but I don’t necessarily consider that a negative. As far as I know, he doesn’t collect stamps – which is where I draw the line. Perhaps, compared to me, Burl’s the essence of all that’s sane and level-headed in this world. OTOH, I do get the distinct feeling that dating him would break the First Rule of Dating (never go out with anyone crazier than you are).
    He’s only nekkid from the shoulders up – or so we’re shown in the pictures, so if you were hoping for something in *particular* at which to toss darts, you may be SOL.

  12. DonnaMatrix

    Ok sorry to interupt here but I’m sure if we all put our heads together in a little huddle we could get some info together to stop him ever showing his face in public again. Which, lets be fair, is in the interests of public safety and hygiene.


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