I signed up for Yahoo Personals, figuring its a good way to meet emotionally disturbed individuals who have no more real life than I do. Yahoo keeps sending me “YOUR LATEST MATCHES!” Will someone please explain why all these women enjoy long walks on the beach? When? Midnight? In the middle of the day when there are 8,000 dogs and teens on roller blades? And why is it a long walk? Where the hell are they going? Can’t they take a cab? I don’t want a long walk on the beach. Not only do i get sand in my shoes, but trudging through sand makes any destination seem twice as far and three times as inconvenient. These same woman want to curl up by a roaring fire. Fine — move to Malibu in August. Plus they all have friends of dubious veracity. “My friends tell me I’m cute.” No they don’t. Real friends don’t say that, they say “Hey, lose twenty pounds, shave your back, brush your teeth, get sensible shoes, or invest in a designer blindfolds. I have met some really cool people on Yahoo Personals — they are cool because they respond to my messages, when most people not only observe strict silence, but remove their profile from the site entirely. A very nice lady told me that she was a life coach. She has nice eyes. Does that make her a coach potato? There is also a problem with names — everyone has the same name. There are five thousand Susans on Yahoo Personals, and that’s just in the Santa Monica/Venice area. Life is difficult enough without remembering which person is Myra, Marsha, Mishna, or Mushka. Yahoo also needs to refine their match criteria. First of all, someone whose hobby is fascism is not going to ring my bell, nor is someone who thinks the minimum wage should be $2.50 an hour, and regards the Bill of Rights is “quaint but archaic.” amd bemoans the International Zionist Banking Media Conspiracy. Thankfully, I beat the odds on Yahoo Personals. Ive met three Susans,but I can keep them straight in my mind as one is British, another has red hair and is a writer who knows my nephew, and the third is the fun loving lady who often makes commentary here on this site. I still get confused between Marsha and Marushka, but there is only one Noba, one Rama, and one winner of Best Profile by a Woman who puts on lipstick to answer the telephone.” The woman who described herself as buxom and Rubinesque never respnded after I asked her to describe the difference between her ass and a Greyhound Bus, aside from the license tabs. OK, i’m no bargain either — I am ready to be carbon dated, and there are times when my visible means of support rank up there with Popo the Puppet’s. Now, if you will excuse me, I must go for a long walk through a raging fire on the beach.
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