Paris Hilton, incredibly rich twig of the Hilton family tree, achieved her fame by demonstrating her lackluster sexual skills on a "private" home video distributed world-wide. In the video (yes, in my pursuit of truth, I watched several inspiring scenes) Ms Hilton maintains a sense of class conscious detachment while wearing only some really cool boots and an insertable portion of her boyfriend.
None of us realized at the time that Ms Hilton would bring peace to war torn Iraq. Not that she did this on purpose, but when she recently announced that she was not going to have sex for a year, the WORLD WAS STUNNED — even more stunned than when THE WORLD saw that SHOCKING photo of Jen showing 1/2 of one breast! Most of the world wouldn’t know Jen if she were found floating in their bowl of rice — you know, the bowl of rice they get to eat during their fifteen minute break from the sweat shop where they make 30 cents a week making gawd-awful expensive designer clothing sold on Rodeo Drive.
In Iraq however, to keep the populace from asking ‘are we better off under American occupation and civil war than we were under our Saddam Hussein," the CIA is rumored to be distributing Paris Hilton Sex Vids!! Of course, with no electricity to power a VCR or DVD, and no water to clean up afterwords, it would seem a waste of effort. NO! The folks are so thrilled to know that a skinny blond can be born with so much money she doesn’t know what the hell to do with it, can be famous for no reason, and still have a TV series, a musical career, an acting career, a top model career — all for no other reason than she CAN because she’s RICH and looks cute with her orifi (orifices?) plugged. This gives HOPE to the downtrodden Iraqi’s — they say, and rightfully so, "Allah has blessed the airhead heiress!"
Well, when word got out (falsly so) that PARIS HILTON said: "When Iraq has peace, they can all have a piece of me," the insurgents became turgid peaceniks. Guns went down in hopes of cute little Paris doing likewise.
President Bush, drop jawed with incredulity (a word with which he is unfamiliar), and recalcitrantly contumacious (two more words he doesn’t know) immediately had Rumsfeld call Paris Hilton a "Neo Nazi Pudding Faced Charles DeGaule" (someone Paris never heard of)
The whole shebang will be analyzed later tonight on FAUX