My friend Donna in the UK recently suggested that I sign up for an online dating site called Plenty of Fish. We also refer to it as "Acres of Anchovies," "Pallets of Pollack," "Tons of Tuna,"…etc etc…
They asked for me to describe the Perfect First Date:
We meet at 4am in the alley behind the service station at 6th and Almeda downtown. You come alone. I'm the guy in the ski mask.
Amazingly, I'm getting response. The women want to know more about me, so I tell them the truth: I love movies and the arts, discussions of significance and a significant amount of amusing nonsense. I love hearing people laugh, although I am not easily moved to laughter. The climax of Little Miss Sunshine reduced me to tears.
I cry in color cartoons and newsreels. I am a sucker for chick flicks because I used to watch them with my mom when I was a kid. I don't like war movies particularly, and I am not that into sports. I love movies and will watch almost anything. If it has werewolves or vampires and is in black and white, that's cool. I like musicals, and admire great costumes. No, I am not gay. I'm not that into women with lots of facial hair and mustaches. Body art is okay, as long as it doesn't include Nazi symbols, racial epithets, or that face of Jesus where his eyes follow you around the room as if he were a cross between Charles Manson and Dick Cheney.
I'm a good cook and know the ultimate secret ingredient of great recipes: one can of cream of chicken soup or one can of cream of mushroom soup! Learned that from Mom. Mom and I were very close …not Norman Bates close, but she did have some mighty fine cutlery.
I don't go to drunken brawls because I dont get drunk and don't brawl but if you like that, that's fine with me. I will stay home and wait for your call from jail. I have mythephobia (fear of drunks), so we won't be doing a pub crawl unless it is me crawling away from the pub.
I am weaning myself off cigarettes by shooting nicotine directly into my veins with a turkey baster (just checking to see if you're still reading)
As for body types and that sexual attraction stuff, I am a bit intimidated by ENORMOUS breasts because I don't quite know what to do with them. If i look at them, I'm being naughty, and if I don't look at them, the woman who has them notices me not looking and says "oh yeah, you said you liked costumes and musicals and the arts and dance and you DO walk a bit funny" Listen, a back injury is not a character defect, and appreciation of beauty does not mean an aversion to women and an attraction to movies such as "The Son of Hercules in the Valley of Fire"
As a hard working and industrious man, I'm too lazy and self-absorbed to micro manage anyone's life — yours or mine. Oh, possessiveness and jealousy are signs of mental illness. So is worrying about lizards from outer space raising you as if you were a cow and then shipping you off to another dimension to eat you. If that IS your big concern, consult your therapist.
There is only room for one mental case in a two person relationship, and I'm damaged enough for both of us. But I am HARMLESS!!
I love active, healthy and athletic women who are mature and wise enough to understand that one health nut in the family is more than enough. Fine, go for a hike. I'll be here when you get back.
Oh, you love to travel? Fantastic! In that case you must have tons of frequent flyer miles you can cash in for us both to use.
You like to explore places? To me, exploring places means digging under the couch cushions for the remote control to the TV.
You live the Vegan lifestyle. That's your problem. All vegans die of natural causes. I'm thinking of launching a telethon to fight natural causes, the number one killer of anemic women who belong to co-ops. (Their last wish, or course, is to pass away while listening to NPR).
You like country music. I think it's wonderful that people living in their vehicles and sleeping with their first cousins have a shared cultural experience.
My primary personaltiy characteristic is "Charming." When I was a teenager, my mom said "don't pick your face." My reply: "Mom, if I could pick my face, I would look like Cary Grant."
So far, I've had plenty of rejection. That's okay, I'm used to it — after all, I'm a writer.