The Dog Whisperer is a "reality" TV show where this really cool guy, Cesar, comes to your house and explains that the reason your dog misbehaves is because you are an idiot. Well, he is far more polite than that, but the essence of the message is harsh but true — the best fed most loved animals in the world are in the USA — and they are also the most emotionally untable and screwed up animals in the world because they live with humans who are not all that adept at mastering human behavior, let alone animal behavior.

We’re talking about people who name inanimate objects, such as boats, motorcycles, etc and who talk to their pets as if the pets mastered English as a second language. They didn’t. Dog’s do NOT think they are human. They don’t have identity issues of self- concept in a multi-species environment. Anyone who says "My dog thinks she’s a person" is really saying "I have all the brains of a piece of used kleenex, and my dog, as a result is neurotic confused, and no matter how many times I say "Please Baby Snookums, don’t defecate in my hatbox, the loveable pooch does it anyway."

First of all, the dog doesnt understand a single word. Even NO yelled at the top of your lungs doesnt mean muich when you use it all the time for a variety of issues — jumping on guests, humping your guests, whatever.

My friend Judi Faye and I had Cesar come to Judi’s house and tell us we were idiots today. He was soooo coool. You see, Judi has a dog and I have a dog and the dogs attack each other. In ten minutes, Cesar had them walking side by side, shooting pool, and the biggest fight they had was over the remote control. OK exaggeration — they don’t shoot pool.

Dogs are pack animals. Once it was established that they were inthe same pack with the same leader, they fell in line. We gave them subtle hints — a jab to the ribs, a right cross to the jaw, etc – brought them in line real fast.

Now, if we practice the techniques Cesar taught us, we will have these dogs sniffing happily at each others’ reproductive organs in no time. The whole thing will be on TV soon — I’ll let you know when. I must have a happy party for the dogs on that day, with costumes and snacks and photos…it means so much to them you know. Yes, dog memories are made of photo opportunities for their owners! If you believe that, you need a session with the Dog Whisperer too.

***** THE DOG WHISPERER***********************

This series goes into the homes of problem dogs and their frustrated owners, and documents the remarkable transitions that take place under the guidance and teaching of Cesar Millan.

IT’s TRUE — we were frustrated

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